ME C/F

gave mother
hell, from moment
of dry birth when
arrived kicking and
screaming and haven’t
stopped since

well, except for the first
decade, more or less, till
love and trust were abused, along
with shapeless young, body -
went off the rails big time after that
disrespectful, lazy, wilful, sad -

marks dropped off at school,
rebellion against parents set in,
promiscuity started rearing its
ugly head - took immense willpower
not to submit to the clamour of
over zealous hormones – by age

twenty six had been around
the block a few times and
so fucked literally, emotionally and
psychologically, drank three dozen
schedule fives on road to oblivion –

stomach pump was not much fun -
pipe down throat, watching tranquilisers and
anti-depressants that had almost
dissolved totally in the acidic
stomach contents - fuzzy little
blotches spreading feelers - almost

succeeded, slept for three days,
maybe more – time disappeared – spent
seventeen years telling incompetent
psychologists how screwed life and mind
were - told by one arsehole
with a degree, but little intellect,

that reason for all the guilt was because
there was enjoyment associated
with the sexual abuse of a child – enjoyment of
the destruction of a trusting soul –
stupid bitch – relegated her to obscurity
searched for and found a real shrink, not

a pseudo-shrink – this one actually
helped - in less than twelve months
panic attacks, emotional confusion,
self-destructive behaviours were
under control for the first time
in more than three decades of

courage in the face of fear
guilt in the face of innocence
inferiority in the face of ability
derision in the face of love -
yet some things remain forever,
until death offers ultimate release

from the recurrent fear that brain
damage was self-inflicted, and
from daily haunting by someone loved

who, finding a joyful soul,
crushed the life out of it

 

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